


with you i stretched for the sun

by hyucksdream



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Best Friends, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan & Mark Lee Are Best Friends, Love Confessions, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Romance, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Some Humor, Sweet Mark Lee (NCT), chensung - Freeform, donghyuck is the sun, donghyuck tries to change himself for mark, mark loves donghyuck, markhyuck, markhyuck angst, norenmin, renjun is the best friend, roommates au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-17
Updated: 2018-09-17
Packaged: 2019-07-13 16:28:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16021679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyucksdream/pseuds/hyucksdream
Summary: Donghyuck held his breath as Mark started talking. “Jeno . . . has a nice body? He works out a lot.”The rest of the boys started yelling and Donghyuck tried to even his breathing as Mark started talking again. So if Mark did like boys he’d like someone like Jeno. It wasn’t hard to believe. Mark was fit himself, it made sense he’d want someone manly, like Jeno.(or, the one where donghyuck overhears mark say he'd date jeno because he has a nice body and donghyuck decides that he wants to be more manly. mark doesn't want donghyuck to change and misses his donghyuck.)





	with you i stretched for the sun

**Author's Note:**

> before we get started, i just want to say that donghyuck's actions are NOT healthy and you should never change yourself for someone you love. more notes at the end, happy reading!

Donghyuck threw his pen down on his textbook, leaning back in his chair. A frustrated noise escaped his mouth, one that was sudden enough to catch Mark’s attention while he was writing lyrics, which was no small feat.

“What’s wrong?” Mark asked, pulling an earbud out of his ear and turning to look at his friend. Donghyuck cuddled his head into Mark’s shoulder, letting out a long sigh, exhaling all the pent-up stress he had been holding in.

Being a student was exhausting. Both Mark and Donghyuck knew it. It felt like all they had been doing was studying for the month leading up to finals. Quite frankly, Donghyuck was sick of studying and needed a break. They had even resorted to studying in the library since Donghyuck just _could not_ focus in their apartment, though it wasn’t working well.

“I hate studying,” Hyuck whined, and Mark rolled his eyes. “How come you never have to study? Or write essays? Why am I the only one always working on stuff for school?”

Mark chuckled, pushing Hyuck off his shoulder. “Hmmm, let’s see. Who was the one binge watching sappy dramas last weekend while I spent the day studying?” Mark asked, feigning confusion, though his eyes were sparkling.

“Fuck off, it’s not my fault! Dramas are so damn addictive,” Donghyuck pouted but picked his pen back up reluctantly.

The pair went back to their respective tasks. Donghyuck managed to focus for another twenty minutes, writing down a half page of notes before slamming his textbook shut loudly. Mark ignored him, figuring he’d go back to studying if he didn’t engage. Donghyuck sighed overdramatically, dropping the side of his head on the table, studying Mark’s face nonchalantly.

Mark was pretty attractive to Donghyuck. No, scratch that. Mark was the fucking cutest guy Donghyuck had ever seen. It didn’t help that he was so talented at everything he did, no matter what it was. Music, academics, even sports. It was like he was asking to be loved and pined after.

When the two had first met, they really hated each other. They met at a party through Jaehyun, who had introduced the two of them. Donghyuck had told Mark not to take offense, but ‘you’re literally dressed like a grandpa at 18.’ Mark thought Hyuck was drunk so he brushed the comment off, but Donghyuck couldn’t help but to make fun of his appearance and personality the whole night. Mark decided that this annoying guy was definitely not going to be his friend.

After the party, both of their friend groups quickly merged, much to both of the boys’ disgust. Donghyuck felt like Mark was stealing all his friends, which prompted more hate between the two. Eventually, they started talking when their friends hung out together and they realized the other wasn’t so bad. Mark realized that Donghyuck’s insults were how he showed his affection, and Donghyuck started to find Mark’s sense of fashion endearing.

When their friends asked them why they hated each other so much, all they could muster up was a weak, ‘he’s fucking annoying’ in response.

Over the past three years that they had known each other, they had gone from hating each other and throwing insults at every chance to being roommates this past year. It was pretty clear that Hyuck had grown on Mark. They spent most of their time together. Even though they drove each other crazy, they were also each other’s closest friend.

“Hyuck?” Mark’s questioning gaze pulled Donghyuck out of his stupor, the younger’s face flushing a pretty red before lifting his head and turning back to his work.

Donghyuck knew his stares weren’t as secretive as he would’ve liked, but from what he could tell, Mark had no idea about his feelings for him. He did his best to hide his feelings so he was sure that Mark had no idea. Donghyuck was used to hiding his feelings, no matter how much it’d bother him when Mark would show interest in a girl.

Hyuck loved the little cat and mouse game they were always playing. It was familiar, Hyuck would tease Mark and Mark would call him an annoying little kid, though it was always full of affection. Mark had become one of Hyuck’s best friends, and he never wanted to change their dynamic. He was too afraid to.

The other problem was that Mark was painfully straight. That was a topic Donghyuck would ponder over fruitlessly in the early hours of the morning, wondering if he were to have certain assets on his chest, wore a skirt, and grew his hair out, he’d be a possibility for Mark to love. He tried not to go down that road too often, as he’d crave to go to Mark for comfort, and as much as he’d try to hide it, Mark could read him like an open book.

Donghyuck shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Usually, he was able to study for at least a couple hours in a row, but he had been studying all week. His brain was fried and finals week hadn’t even started yet.

“Okay,” the younger announced, looking up at Mark. “I can’t study anymore. My brain hurts.”

Mark sighed, shutting his little notebook full of lyrics. “We’ve only been studying for two hours, Hyuck.”

“ _I’ve_ only been studying for two hours. You’ve been writing lyrics,” Hyuck corrected before scoffing. “And only two hours? I’m not a robot. I need some time without studying.”

Mark rolled his eyes, an amused smile playing at his lips. “Okay, princess. I forgot that your few brain cells need a break every hour.”

Hyuck shoved the older, ignoring the way his heart skipped a beat at the pet name, before picking up his phone. “Let’s see what everyone else is doing.”

The younger boy got immediate responses after texting the group chat. Jeno, Jaemin, and Renjun were all hanging out at their apartment, and Jisung and Chenle were on a study date at their usual cafe. They all agreed to meet at Jeno, Jaemin, and Renjun’s apartment, and after a long string of texts from Donghyuck and Jaemin at Jisung and Chenle, the youngers agreed to bring food with them.

Hyuck wasted no time packing his books and pens, jumping up impatiently, waiting for Mark to complete the line he was working on.

The younger peeked over Mark’s shoulder in an attempt to read some of the lyrics he was working on. Donghyuck loved reading Mark’s lyrics, they were really something, and usually Mark let Hyuck read them. Today, Mark slammed his notebook shut and tossed it in his bag silently, not meeting Hyuck’s eyes.

Hyuck moved back and raised an eyebrow at Mark. He wondered what Mark was writing about, but he wasn’t gonna push. A rare feeling of uncertainty rose in him, and he clenched his fists. He hated feeling uneasy like this. He hated feeling like something was changing without him knowing what.

Mark silently stood and smiled at Donghyuck. “Ready?”

Hyuck nodded after a moment, plastering a smile on his face. He didn’t want to act like nothing was happening, but he really didn’t want to make a big deal out of nothing. Mark was probably just hiding a line that he didn’t think was good enough to be shared. Sometimes Mark was like that, Donghyuck reminded himself.

As they made their way out of the library, Donghyuck found himself watching Mark’s footsteps and compared them to his. They were both about the same height. Mark had about an inch on him, so his strides were a little longer than Donghyuck’s.

Hyuck sighed and looked up again. He hated the fact that he’d look at the tiniest details and commit them to memory. He knew what Mark’s favorite pair of socks were, the exact way he liked to style his hair when they went out, he knew that Mark was allergic to daisies, but they were Hyuck’s favorite flowers, so he’d sometimes spontaneously buy some for their apartment and Hyuck knew that Mark loved to go out for quick lunches during their busy days full of classes.

The younger boy’s memory was full of tiny details that Mark mentioned in passing or that Donghyuck had picked up on. He was so, painfully, aware of every little thing Mark did.

Sometimes it felt like he lived and breathed Mark and that scared him beyond anything. He had only met Mark a few years ago, but he felt like they’d known each other their whole lives.

Donghyuck snapped out of his thoughts when Mark grabbed his arm and pulled him to the side abruptly. The younger looked up at Mark, and to the pole that he would have inevitably walked into if not for Mark.

“Are you okay?” Mark asked, eyes full of concern as they searched Hyuck’s own.

Donghyuck nodded, feeling his ears turn red. He had turned into an awkward shell of himself, all because of Mark. “Yeah, I’m good. Just a little out of it.”

Usually, Mark was the clumsy one out of the two of them, always tripping or spilling something. Hyuck was so out of his element lately, ever since he had become aware of his feelings, he hated it.

“I think you need something to eat, you don’t look too good, Hyuck,” Mark suggested and Donghyuck looked at him.

“Are you calling me ugly?” he teased, feeling a little better.

“Maybe I am,” Mark laughed when Hyuck pushed him.

“Buy me something to eat?” Donghyuck asked, giving his hyung his best puppy dog eyes.

“Fine, but you get to cook tonight,” Mark teased and took off running down the street, speeding up so Hyuck had to run to catch up to him.

“Fuck you!” he yelled down the street, catching the attention of some other students strolling down the street.

Once they got to Jaemin, Jeno, and Renjun’s apartment, Hyuck felt a lot more in control of his feelings, which he credited to Mark for buying him a hot chocolate.

Still, he was tired and needed a long, long nap and some cuddles, preferably from Mark.

Now, the seven teenage boys were spread out in the living room, scarfing down all the food Chenle and Jisung had picked up.

“Hyuck, are you okay?” Renjun asked, knowing his friend too well for his own good.

“Just tired,” he offered a weak smile, leaning his head on his friend’s shoulder. Renjun tossed an arm around Hyuck’s shoulder, allowing the younger to cuddle him.

His other friends all shot him sympathetic smiles, knowing how hard finals week was for Donghyuck. They had all seen Hyuck at his worst, mental breakdown after breakdown, questioning all his decisions in uni, criticizing himself for everything he did wrong, and stressing himself out to the point where he forgot to eat. It was rough for him, but he pushed through with the help of his friends.

Over by the TV, Mark sat with Jeno, watching Jisung and Chenle play Mario Kart. “How’s Hyuck holding up?” Jeno asked, sending a worried look to Donghyuck.

Mark managed a weak smile. “He was doing really well earlier, but he’s been a little off after we left the library. I’m worried. He doesn’t go to bed until 3 and wakes up at 7. He drinks so many energy drinks and is still tired and stressed and not himself. Then he gets some sleep and is back to normal and the cycle repeats.”

Jeno sighed, seeing his friends struggling always hurt him. He wanted to be there for Donghyuck, but he had no idea what to do.

“Let’s play truth or dare,” Jisung suggested, throwing his controller down, clearly sick of beating Chenle for the twentieth time in a row.

Renjun and Jaemin groaned, knowing what was coming. Jisung loved playing matchmaker in their friend group. He might’ve been an awkward teenager but that didn’t stop him from being evil and setting his hyungs up all the time. So far, Jisung had made Jeno and Jaemin make out, had Renjun hug Jeno to supposedly “make Jaemin jealous”, and he had made Jaemin confess that he had feelings for both Jeno and Renjun. That had been an awkward game of truth or dare, and it didn’t seem like they had talked about their feelings since then.

The seven of them gathered in a circle, Jeno turning on a movie in the background for them to watch. Donghyuck rested his head on Mark’s shoulder, the last of his energy drinks finally draining away, leaving a tired shell of a boy behind.

“Okay, so we’re just gonna play the basic way today. I’m tired and don’t want it to be complicated,” Jisung announced, everyone agreeing with him. Sometimes Jisung would throw in crazy rules just to get someone to confess something interesting.

The game went smoothly, nothing too crazy happening. Jaemin licked Renjun’s nose, Chenle had to sing the ABC’s with his dolphin screams, Jeno had to dance to Red Velvet, and Donghyuck tried to do a cartwheel, and in the process, he managed to kick over a chair and land in a pile of Jeno’s dirty clothes.

(“When was the last time these were washed?” Hyuck emerged from the pile of clothes with a pair of boxers slipping off his head, cross-eyed trying to look at the underwear on his head.

Jeno and Mark stifled a laugh, Jaemin looked horrified, Chenle and Jisung were holding each other up while laughing so hard tears were streaming down their faces, and Renjun was taking photo after photo of Donghyuck with Jeno’s underwear on his head.

“I’d say two months,” Renjun announced and Donghyuck looked like he was about to puke, prompting another round of laughter between the six boys.)

At some point after Donghyuck’s frightening endeavor into Jeno’s dirty laundry, he had fallen asleep, clearly exhausted but happy, a faint smile on his lips as he slept.

Mark had spent most of the game staring at the sleeping boy next to him. His lips were slightly parted and he looked the calmest Mark had seen him in two weeks. He was glad that Donghyuck was getting some rest. Most nights Mark wanted nothing more than to climb into bed with Hyuck and cuddle the stress out of him. But he didn’t. He lay in his own bed, listening to Donghyuck toss and turn in his own bed, worrying about him a little more than he should.

“Okay, Mark, your turn,” Chenle started. “Truth or dare?”

“Uh, truth, I guess,” Mark chose, shrugging slightly. Donghyuck had his arms wrapped around Mark’s and head leaning on the older’s shoulder, and he didn’t really want to get up and wake Donghyuck up when he was finally getting some rest.

Chenle groaned, he had clearly wanted Mark to pick dare. He turned to Jisung, ”Do you have a good one for him?”

Jisung shrugged, the seven of them knew just about everything there was to know about Mark. He whispered something to Chenle and Chenle laughed, nodding happily.

“What is it?” Mark asked warily, eyeing Jisung with a warning look.

“If you had to date any one of us, other than your little crush,” Chenle winked at him slyly, “who would you date and why?”

Mark’s face flushed red and he looked down at Hyuck, letting out a breath when he saw the younger still sleeping soundly.

“Shut the fuck up,” he hissed at Chenle, growing redder as his friends laughed at his embarrassment.

“Well? Which one of us would it be?” Renjun asked with an amused smile, leaning further into Jaemin.

Mark groaned, he really didn’t want to date anyone but the boy wrapped around his arm, but his friends wouldn’t accept that answer.

“I guess, I’d wanna date. . . Jeno? Because he’s nice?” Mark said with a shrug, not looking at said boy.

“Nope, not good enough,” Jisung decided. “That was clearly a fake reason. Give us something better.”

Mark rolled his eyes but he knew that Jisung wouldn’t give it up until he said something better. Jeno leaned forward, amusement shining in his eyes. “Yeah, why would you date me Mark hyung?” 

The older boy groaned, he could feel his face getting more red, but he was happy that at least Donghyuck wasn’t listening to this. He didn’t know what he would do if Hyuck was listening in.

“Jeno . . . has a nice body? He works out a lot,” Mark didn’t make eye contact with anyone, ignoring their hoots and jabs at both Mark and Jeno.

“Shut the fuck up,” Mark covered his face with his free hand, not really believing that he really said that. Sure, Jeno did have a nice body, they went to the gym together sometimes, but Jeno wasn’t someone Mark would date. He didn’t want to date anyone in their friend group. Other than Donghyuck, of course.

“I’d date you too Mark hyung,” Jeno laughed, “And you have a nice body too.”

Mark flushed even more, cringing at the fact that he’d heard Jeno say that to him.

“Jeno’s not gonna date you,” Jaemin pouted and Renjun nodded, pulling Jeno closer to them, Jaemin clutching at Jeno’s hand. Jeno rolled his eyes but it was clear that he was enjoying the feeling of being between his boyfriends? Best friends? Whatever they were, Jeno was enjoying it

Jisung and Chenle were still laughing, Jisung’s face red and Chenle’s dolphin laugh echoing through the small apartment. 

Donghyuck shifted, lifting his head from Mark’s shoulder and untangling their arms. Mark pouted at the loss of warmth before turning to look at Donghyuck.

“Morning, Hyuck,” Renjun said, a smile gracing his lips.

Donghyuck stood up and yawned. “Can we go?” he asked Mark.

Mark looked at his friends. Donghyuck was being eerily unattached from just thirty minutes ago before he’d fallen asleep. Chenle shot him a confused look, while Jeno looked guilty. Renjun shot Mark a sharp glare, prompting him to get up.

“Yeah! Yeah, of course, we can go, Hyuck. I know you’re tired,” Mark stood up, gathering his keys, wallet, and his and Hyuck’s phones.

“Bye guys, talk to you later,” Mark said, waving. The five yelled their good nights and take cares as Donghyuck left the apartment, slamming the door shut a little too hard.

Mark had no idea what had happened to Donghyuck, but he had had a tough week, so he was going to do whatever Hyuck wanted him to do.

“Donghyuck, wait!” Mark called, the younger boy walking swiftly down the street, away from Mark.

Mark jogged to catch up to Donghyuck, knowing that he’d done something to cause Hyuck to be mad at him. Maybe it was from before, when he didn’t let Donghyuck read his lyrics. That was just because he’d written down a description of Hyuck studying, and it was too embarrassing to have him read it. Mark really had no idea why Donghyuck was mad at him, but he already regretted doing it. Whatever it was.

He grabbed Donghyuck’s hand, pulling him to a stop in the middle of the street. “Donghyuck, what’s wrong?”

Donghyuck stared at him for a second before sighing, his tense expression softening. “I’m sorry, Mark hyung.”

“For what?” Mark asked. Donghyuck’s greatest talent was confusing the shit out of Mark. He was mad, then he wasn’t. “Why were you mad at me?”

“I’m not mad . . . just tired. I shouldn’t have run out like that. I’m sorry,” Donghyuck wouldn’t make eye contact with Mark as he ran a hand through his fluffy brown hair.

“It’s fine, Hyuck. Are you okay right now?” Mark asked and Donghyuck nodded.

“I’ll be fine. Let’s go home,” he said, starting to walk down the street, clearly not fine, but Mark decided to let it go.

The rest of the walk home was quiet until they were about a block away from their apartment building. “You go on ahead, I think I’m gonna keep walking out here,” Donghyuck said, still not making eye contact with Mark.

“What? Why?” Mark asked worriedly. They lived in a good part of town, but it was past midnight and he didn’t want Donghyuck out here by himself.

“Please, Mark hyung. I just want to walk a little by myself. I’ll be up in five minutes, okay? I have my phone on me . . . wait where’s my phone?” Donghyuck shuffled his hands around his pockets, looking in his jacket and jeans, coming up empty handed. “Shit. I forgot my phone.”

Donghyuck massaged his temples like he was about to lose it, and Mark knew they were in uncharted territory. Donghyuck wasn’t usually this rash or mysterious, and he didn’t usually look like he was gonna start yelling or crying, or both. Mark sighed, pulling the younger’s phone out of his pocket.

“You remembered to get my phone?” Donghyuck looked grateful, which was a step up from the look of despair that he was sporting a minute ago. He sighed and his expression darkened again. “I’ll be up in five minutes. I promise, hyung.”

Mark reluctantly nodded, knowing that realistically, Donghyuck could take care of himself just fine, but also knowing that he was going to worry about him no matter what.

Donghyuck turned and continued down the street, his back fading as the streetlight flickered on and off. They lived in the quieter part of Seoul, where the lights actually turned off after midnight. He could still hear the distant noise of night life, music, people laughing and talking, car horns, but the fact that they were so far away always made Mark feel like he and Donghyuck were in their own little world. They could be laughing together, or cuddling, or studying, or just quietly talking in their apartment, and Mark would feel so comforted with him. He always felt like he was at home when he was with Donghyuck.

Mark took a seat on the stairs leading up to their apartment, not wanting to go inside just yet. His brain led him back to his favorite moment with Donghyuck. The moment he realized he had no so platonic feelings for his best friend. It was a month ago, right before winter had started.

Donghyuck and Mark were on their way to Jaemin, Jeno, and Renjun’s apartment, and Donghyuck was complaining that he was cold. Mark had told him that he should’ve worn a bigger jacket, and Donghyuck started whining and had slipped his hand into Mark’s. Usually, Mark would’ve pushed him away, but if he was being honest, he was cold too, and he liked the warmth that Donghyuck brought.

So they walked down the street, swinging their interlocked hands between them, and Donghyuck had started singing in the middle of the street. He had been whining about a song that had been stuck in his head all day long and Mark had told him to shut up, so naturally, he started belting the song out.

It wasn’t like Mark had never heard Donghyuck sing before, he heard it when Hyuck was in the shower, when he was bored, when they were in the car, when Donghyuck was listening to music on his headphones and singing quietly to himself. Mark knew that Donghyuck had an angelic voice. But the melancholic song paired with the snow falling and their hands interlocked between them made Mark feel something he hadn’t felt before. At least not towards Donghyuck. He felt a little warmer when Donghyuck was with him. Like Donghyuck was his personal sun, shining down on him and making him happier.

Later, when he was telling Jeno about the situation, Jeno had just smirked and shook his head. “It’s obvious. You have feelings for him, Mark hyung.”

It had sparked curiosity in Mark. What was he feeling? Was it love? Was it just Mark appreciating Donghyuck as his best friend? Whatever it was, it was a stark contrast from the hate they both felt for each other when they first met.

Mark stood up, pulling his coat tighter around himself. He headed up to their apartment and tried not to worry about Hyuck as he got undressed and brushed his teeth, taking a quick shower before getting into bed. 

~

Sunlight streamed into the room and Mark turned, burying his face into the pillow next to him. He laid there for a few minutes before getting up and heading into the bathroom.

“Hyuck?” Mark called out as he headed into the kitchen, with no sign of Donghyuck anywhere. Mark had fallen asleep as soon as he heard their front door open so he knew that Donghyuck had gotten home okay, but he still had an uneasy feeling.

Mark sighed when he was met with silence. He knocked on Donghyuck’s door and opened it to be met with his messy, empty room. No sign of Donghyuck anywhere.

He found a bag of protein powder open on the counter in their kitchen, and he stopped in his tracks. It wasn’t his bag, because he really hated vanilla flavored protein powder, yet that was what was in their kitchen. Was Donghyuck working out? Mark knew that Donghyuck’s only form of working out was dancing, and that was more than enough. Donghyuck was healthy, and last he checked, the younger boy was happy with himself, so he was unsure why Donghyuck wanted to suddenly work out.

Mark made himself some eggs and a smoothie and went out to eat at the small table in their balcony.

He was scrolling through his phone, texting Renjun to see if he had any idea why Hyuck was acting so weird while eating. The chilly Saturday morning breeze hit him, and he shivered in his thin t-shirt and sweats.

The sidewalk below their apartment building was usually empty at this time since it was only 7 and it was a Saturday, so when he heard footsteps he looked down to see a boy running. His hood was pulled up and he was breathing hard as he jogged. Well, no. He was almost sprinting, so fast that Mark almost missed the look he shot up at their apartment. Specifically at him.

Mark stood up. “Donghyuck? What the hell are you doing?”

Donghyuck sped up and ran past their apartment and Mark sighed, wondering what had gotten into his best friend.

~

“Mark hyung, I’m going to the gym okay? I’ll be back later,” Donghyuck yelled to Mark.

“Wait, Donghyuck we were gonna-” the door slammed, efficiently shutting Mark up. Mark fell back onto his bed, worrying about his friend once again.

~

“I don’t know what to do, Jeno. He wakes up at 5:30 and goes to the gym. He works out for an hour then goes on a run for another hour. Then he comes back and does some studying before class. He goes to class and when he comes home he’s a stressed mess. He usually has a breakdown around 7 and then we get dinner, and then he’s working on assignments until he goes to bed at 2. And he ignores me the whole time too! I’m worried. I don’t know what I did wrong and what’s gotten into him. I miss my old Hyuck,” Mark unloaded all his worries and problems onto Jeno.

Jeno looked at him, a ruffled mess. Mark’s hair was disheveled, not in a good way, his clothes didn’t match at all, and it was clear that he was spending more time worrying about Donghyuck than sleeping, and that wasn’t healthy.

“You guys really need to talk,” Jeno said.

“I’m not even done yet! He looks so tired all the time and I know he’s wearing himself too thin but I don’t know how to say anything without him blowing up and getting mad at me,” Mark continued, laying his head in his arms and sighing.

“It’ll be alright, Mark hyung. Please talk to him. He’ll tell you if you ask. He won’t talk to any of us. When’s his last final?” Jeno asked, sipping his iced coffee slowly.

“Tuesday. But it’s his hardest, it’s Chemistry, and you know how much he struggles with Chemistry,” Mark said.

Jeno nodded. Most of Donghyuck’s stress came from his Chemistry class. “It’ll be okay. Just support him and I know he’ll be grateful.”

Mark agreed. All he wanted to do was support Donghyuck, he just didn’t like seeing his best friend so stressed and tired and unhappy.

He had gone to visit Donghyuck at the dance studio a few days ago and had found an injured Donghyuck. Apparently, he had fallen on his wrist and had continued to dance. It was clear that Donghyuck had a lot on his mind and Mark just wanted him to be happy and healthy.

~

Mark took a deep breath and knocked on Donghyuck’s door a few times. “Donghyuck? Are you busy?”

The door opened and Mark looked at his friend. He was wearing running clothes, a common staple in his closet now, and he looked stressed beyond belief. It was 11 on a school night, and Donghyuck had been doing homework for four hours now. His Chemistry final was in two days and Mark was pretty sure he’d heard Donghyuck crying earlier in the day.

“Do you wanna watch a movie with me? Just for a little bit? To get your mind off things?” Mark asked nervously. He wasn’t sure why he was so nervous, but he was. He was scared that Hyuck would reject him since lately it seemed like Donghyuck was doing the absolute most to avoid his roommate.

Donghyuck looked over at his desk, probably thinking of the easiest way to reject Mark. “Yeah, I can watch one movie,” he agreed.

Mark released a breath, a smile forming on his face. At least Donghyuck didn’t hate Mark enough to not want to spend time with him.

“Come on, I bought you your favorite ice cream,” Mark said, turning to walk to the living room.

Mark handed his friend his favorite ice cream, chocolate chip cookie dough. Donghyuck smiled, his eyes crinkling a little and Mark smiled back. He knew he looked at Donghyuck like he was the sun, but it was hard not to. Donghyuck was his sun. His smile brought him so much happiness and Mark loved that Donghyuck appreciated the small things Mark did for him.

Donghyuck was still distant throughout the movie. They were watching his favorite, Avengers: Infinity War, but he was silent where he usually accompanied the movie with commentary.

Usually, he would be all over Mark, their legs tangled and arms thrown over each other, but Donghyuck was keeping his distance. Mark decided to just go for it and he wrapped an arm around Donghyuck, noticing that he was more well built and his arms were getting more muscular if Mark looked close. It had been weeks since the two had any type of physical affection, and Mark had missed it.

Donghyuck was dressed in loose grey shorts and a thin white shirt and if Mark squinted, he thought he could see a defined stomach. Mark tore his eyes away from Donghyuck’s abdomen and looked back up at the TV, knowing his face was getting red.

Donghyuck cuddled into Mark about twenty minutes later, finally giving in to Mark constantly pulling Hyuck closer. It was still a little tense, Donghyuck wasn’t as cuddly as he normally was, but Mark would take whatever he could.

The movie was interesting, Donghyuck was giving it his full attention, but Mark wasn’t paying much attention. All he could think about was what he should do next. Should he ask Hyuck what the hell was going on? Should he comfort him about his Chemistry final? Should he just stay silent and let Donghyuck come to him?

Mark looked over at Donghyuck. The movie was close to the end, and the part with Spiderman was coming up. It always made both Mark and Donghyuck sad. The first time they had seen it, Donghyuck had actually started crying in the movie theater since he was so sad. He’d still occasionally cry when they watched it.

He focused on the TV again, feeling Donghyuck’s hold on him tighten. Then suddenly Donghyuck got up and headed back into his room, closing the door quietly behind him, leaving the ice cream abandoned on the couch.

Mark stared at Hyuck’s shut door. He felt so empty. He didn’t know what to do. Donghyuck was changing but he just wanted his old Donghyuck. His Donghyuck who wouldn’t hesitate to eat the whole pint of ice cream. His Donghyuck who wasn’t afraid to cry in front of him. His Donghyuck who wasn’t changing everything about himself. His Donghyuck who was happy and always smiling and laughing.

The older boy paused the movie and walked into Donghyuck’s room, not bothering to knock. Donghyuck was laying on his bed, and just like Mark knew, was crying. “Donghyuck-ah.”

Donghyuck turned away from Mark, burying his head into his pillow. “Go away, hyung. Please. I can’t do this right now. I have class at 9. And two essays and a reading to do. Please go.”

“Hyuck, talk to me. I want to be there for you. Let me be your best friend,” Mark pleaded, gently pulling Donghyuck’s hands away from his face.

“Why do you care so much, hyung? Just stop caring about me,” the younger boy’s voice broke on the last word, and he hunched in on himself. His shoulders shook with sobs as the tears flowed down his face.

~ 

Donghyuck was so tired. Playing truth or dare with his friends was fun and all, but he had been so stressed for the past few days and he clearly hadn’t consumed enough caffeine to keep him awake tonight.

He leaned his head on Mark’s shoulder, hoping he wouldn’t push him off. He closed his eyes, listening to Mark’s happy laughing loud in his ears. He fell asleep thinking of how glad he was to have a best friend like Mark.

“If you had to date any one of us, other than your little crush,” Donghyuck woke up to hear Chenle ask, “who would you date and why?" 

Donghyuck held his breath, trying his hardest to stay still and make it seem like he was still asleep. Leave it to his body to wake up right when his heart was probably going to get broken.

Donghyuck heard Mark sigh before he hissed “Shut the fuck up,” at someone, probably Chenle.

“Well? Which one of us would it be?” Renjun asked. Donghyuck was getting antsy now, he wanted to hear who Mark would say, but at the same time, he knew he wouldn’t like the answer.

“I guess, I’d wanna date. . . Jeno? Because he’s nice?” Mark said and Donghyuck could just imagine Mark’s face getting redder.

“Nope, not good enough,” Jisung decided. “That was clearly a fake reason. Give us something better.”

Donghyuck internally groaned. Of course Jisung would want to rub it in his face even more.  

“Yeah, why would you date me Mark hyung?” Jeno asked, making Donghyuck more mad. The only one who knew of his crush was Renjun, and he thought Jaemin might have an idea, but he wanted to keep it a secret so no one else knew. Still, it hurt that Jeno was entertaining the idea.

Donghyuck held his breath as Mark started talking. “Jeno . . . has a nice body? He works out a lot.”

The rest of the boys started yelling and Donghyuck tried to even his breathing as Mark started talking again. So if Mark did like boys he’d like someone like Jeno. It wasn’t hard to believe. Mark was fit himself, it made sense he’d want someone manly, like Jeno.

“I’d date you too Mark hyung,” Jeno laughed, “And you have a nice body too.”

That was all Donghyuck could handle. Jaemin started talking and Donghyuck took the chance to lazily open his eyes and shift his body away from Mark, yawning before standing up.

The only thing running through his mind was ‘he wasn’t good enough for Mark’. Mark would never want him. He wasn’t manly enough. He knew that he was being cold as he left the apartment without wishing his friends a good night, but his feelings were out of control. He looked down at his body as he waited for Mark to leave their friends' apartment. His stomach was flat, but he didn’t have any abs. His legs were long and lean, but not muscular enough to draw Mark’s attention. His arms were skinny, and it was clear that he didn’t lift weights like Jeno did.

Jeno’s arms were well defined, and he was sure Jeno had a killer set of abs that Donghyuck could only wish to get. Donghyuck looked at his reflection in a car’s mirror, staring at the dark bags under his eyes, his colorless cheeks, his messy hair. He was a full blown mess. And he couldn’t take care of himself on top of that. Mark had to remind him to eat, to sleep, to wear a jacket in the cold, to stop stressing out.

And Donghyuck wasn’t very smart either. Well, he wasn’t naturally smart. Mark was naturally intelligent, he didn’t have to study all night to do well on a test. He didn’t have to proofread his essays four times before submitting to get a high grade.

Donghyuck heard the door open and close, pulling him out of his self-deprecating thoughts. He started walking down the street, knowing he would break down if Mark started asking him what was wrong with his sweet, concerned voice that Donghyuck was so weak for.

“Donghyuck, wait!” he heard Mark call, and he sped up. He just wanted some time, some time to get over Mark. Time to improve himself.

Mark grabbed Donghyuck’s arm, stopping him in the street. “Donghyuck, what’s wrong?”

He sighed. “I’m sorry, Mark hyung.” He was so weak for Mark.

“For what? Why were you mad at me?”

“I’m not mad,” _I just hate myself_ , Donghyuck thought. “Just tired,” he said. “I shouldn’t have run out like that. I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine, Hyuck,” there was the sweet, concerned voice. Donghyuck was so done for. “Are you okay right now?”

Donghyuck nodded, not trusting himself to speak. He took a deep breath, shoving his trembling hands into his pockets. “I’ll be fine. Let’s go home.”

When they got home, Donghyuck walked around the block a few more times after Mark had gone upstairs to their apartment. It wouldn’t hurt to start improving himself now. He wanted to lose fat and gain muscle. He was sick of sitting and studying all day then going home and crying like a baby about how stressed he was then doing homework and sleeping. That was his life now and he hated it.

Maybe if he worked out more he could catch Mark’s attention. He could prove that he wasn’t a baby and didn’t need to be taken care of.

Donghyuck started running, releasing all the stress that had been building up inside of him all week. School stressed him out. His friends were all hanging out without him since he was so busy. Mark treated him like a baby. He would never be good enough for Mark. Mark didn’t love him back. Donghyuck ran and ran and ran, only going home after an hour of running.

He was covered in sweat and maybe there were some tears mixed in as well, but he couldn’t bring himself to care.

He fell asleep on the couch, fully dressed and exhausted, hoping that Mark could love him if he changed.

~

Working out had become part of his routine now. He’d wake up early, work out, go to class, study, work out again, and go to sleep. It kept him busy, and if he was busy, he wasn’t thinking about Mark.

Except he was always thinking about Mark.

He’d wake up wondering if Mark had slept well, work out hoping Mark might notice his biceps looked more defined, sit in class thinking about how Mark would make his day more interesting, study wishing Mark was sitting next to him, and he’d go to sleep with Mark on his mind.

He was so fucked.

~

“Donghyuck, open this door right now. I’m not joking, I will kick it down,” Renjun threatened from outside Donghyuck’s door.

“You wouldn’t,” Hyuck dared to say, hoping that Renjun wouldn’t.

“Watch me. Okay, one, two-”

“Okay, okay, okay. Hold on, Injunnie,” Donghyuck jumped up to open the door.

He unlocked the door to see an angry Renjun on the other side. “See that wasn’t so hard, was it? Now we can talk.”

“What’s wrong?” Donghyuck asked, settling back on his bed. Renjun shot him a glare.

“Really? You’re gonna pretend like everything is okay? Really, Donghyuck?”

He shrugged. “Everything is okay, Renjun. Everything is great. I feel great.”

“Really? Is that why I caught you crying on your way home from the gym? I saw you standing outside your apartment crying,” Renjun’s voice softened. Donghyuck looked away, interlocking his hands together.

“I was just tired.”

“I know you were just tired. And worn out. And holding all your feelings in. Why are you doing this, Donghyuck? Why are you trying so hard to change? This isn’t healthy, Donghyuck,” Renjun said, meeting Donghyuck’s gaze evenly.

“I’m trying to change for the better. Isn’t that a good thing?” Donghyuck pointed out.

“No! Because you’re hurting yourself in the process. You’re not changing for yourself. You’re changing for Mark, right? Because you heard him say that he liked manly guys,” Renjun shot him a knowing glance and Donghyuck knew he had been caught.

“I want him to like me back. And he doesn’t like the Donghyuck that depends on him for everything. So I’m trying something different. Is that really so bad?” Donghyuck tried to justify his reasons, but he knew Renjun wouldn’t listen.

“Donghyuckie, you’re just hurting yourself. You’re perfect the way you are, okay? You don’t need to change for anyone. If Mark doesn’t appreciate the Donghyuck that depends on him - he does, by the way - he doesn’t deserve you. Stop trying to change yourself for him. It’s not healthy, what you’ve been doing,” Renjun advised, pulling Donghyuck into a short hug.

Deep down, Donghyuck knew that what he had been doing wasn’t the most healthy, he was beyond stressed and went to bed crying every night, only to wake up three hours later to repeat the process. But he couldn’t stop. Even though he knew that Mark was worried about him, he just couldn’t stop.

“Donghyuck, take care of yourself,” Renjun said and Donghyuck nodded.

“I will,” he promised.

~

The first time he got hurt, he waved it off and continued to back squat 120 lbs, far too much for someone who had just started lifting.

It didn’t hurt when it happened, but it started hurting hours later when he was hanging out with Jaemin. They had been lounging on the couch, Donghyuck teasing Jaemin about his crush on Renjun, when he almost passed out from the pain.

He had stood up, expecting his body to be sore. He had been lifting a lot, and his shoulders had been sore. What he wasn’t expecting was for his vision to get spotty and for his arm to cry in pain when he lifted it. Donghyuck had fallen back on the couch, his shoulder feeling like it was on fire every time he tried to lift his arm.

Jaemin had yelled for Jeno, who was far more experienced in sport injuries that Jaemin. Jeno had sat Donghyuck down and asked how much he had been lifting lately, and how often.

“You’ve been lifting too much without any rest days,” Jeno concluded, after icing Donghyuck’s shoulder. “You pulled your shoulder muscle, and if you don’t rest, you could cause some serious damage. No more lifting for at least three days.”

“What?” Donghyuck spluttered. “No, I can’t not work out for three days.”

“Donghyuck, take it easy. I don’t know why you’re working out so much but you could seriously get hurt. Slow down,” Jeno said and Jaemin shot Donghyuck a look that clearly said, “explain, or I will”.

So he did, and realization dawned on Jeno’s face. “I talked to Mark hyung today and he’s really worried about you Donghyuck. You should talk to him.”

Later, Renjun had thrown an ice pack at him, yelling at him for worrying him. “Seriously, Hyuck, this is getting out of control.”

“I’ll stop, I’ll stop. Just don’t tell Mark hyung, please,” Donghyuck said. Renjun had sighed but nodded.

Donghyuck had gone home after he was sure Mark was asleep, nursing his hurt shoulder as he tried to fall asleep.

He couldn’t even work out right.

He was really pathetic.

~

The next time he had broken down, he and Renjun were sitting on Donghyuck’s bed, studying. Lately, Donghyuck had been seeing Mark less and less, and they weren’t talking. Donghyuck missed him, but also knew that it was better for him. He was improving himself so that he wouldn’t hate himself every time he looked at Mark.

Renjun looked at the clock, “I’m hungry again. You haven’t eaten yet, let’s go get some food.”

Donghyuck shook his head. “I can’t right now. I need to finish this reading and draft my paper.”

“Donghyuck, it’s 10. We need to eat, come on,” Renjun said, gently pulling Donghyuck’s laptop away from him.

“No, I really need to finish this Junnie,” Donghyuck’s voice was strained and the older boy could tell that his friend was close to breaking.

“Okay, Donghyuck. How about I go grab us some food and you work, then we’ll take a break to eat, okay?” Renjun compromised.

Donghyuck clenched his jaw and nodded, obviously stressed. Renjun knew that Donghyuck’s major was demanding, it didn’t help that he was taking his hardest courses all in one semester. He was also a naturally hard worker, and once he started an assignment, he didn’t like to stop until he was finished.

“Okay, I’ll be back. Call me if you need anything,” Renjun slipped off the bed and shoved his feet in his shoes, throwing Donghyuck a comforting glance.

Donghyuck hated studying alone. He would get distracted and his mind would take him places he had no desire to go. Currently, he was trying to get through his Physics reading painlessly. He wasn’t bad at Physics, so it wasn’t bad, it was just that the long list of other things he had to do were weighing in at the back of his mind, distracting him.

When Donghyuck studied alone, it went like this. He wrote out a long list of everything he needed to complete, and started with the hardest/most urgent one first. Halfway through, he’d realize that he was taking too long so he’d try to speed up, only to realize that he wasn’t understanding what he was reading, or he was rushing through the assignment and it wasn’t good quality work. Then he’d get stressed because he was spending too much time on just one assignment when he had so much more to do. It would lead to him breaking down, and he’d end up having to chug energy drinks to stay awake, which didn’t end well.

It was a bad cycle, but at least when he was with someone, they would offer some sort of comfort. When he was alone, it was just his brain, him, and a long list of assignments.

Donghyuck focused on his reading, annotating and highlighting as he went along. He was really hungry, even if he had told Renjun he didn’t want to go with him.

Donghyuck worked silently for another half hour before falling back on his bed, wincing when his shoulder ached. His workload wasn’t bad today, maybe he could get more than three hours of sleep today. He picked up his phone, wanting to text Mark to see when he was getting home. It was late, he realized, looking at the clock.

Donghyuck stared at his and Mark’s text messages in his phone. They hadn’t been texting often, either Mark or Donghyuck just reminding the other about groceries and other necessities. They hadn’t properly talked in almost two weeks. Mark still had no idea that Hyuck had injured his shoulder, and he was planning on keeping it that way.

But he missed Mark so much. Right now, he wanted to have a movie night with his roommate, complete with his favorite ice cream, chocolate chip cookie dough. Mark always made sure to grab some when he was out getting groceries, and it was just small things like that that made Donghyuck fall harder and harder. Mark was just too nice a person for his own good.

Donghyuck really wanted to cuddle Mark, to have his arms wrap around Donghyuck. He wanted Mark to hug him and tell him he was doing good, that he was smart and he was gonna be fine. Mark knew just how to comfort Donghyuck when he was feeling down. He wanted to tease Mark about his strange sense in fashion, he wanted Mark to play guitar so they could sing together, he wanted to read Mark’s beautifully-written lyrics. Donghyuck could only ever focus on Mark, Mark, Mark.

Before he knew it, he was getting under the covers, trying to stop the tears as he stared at his lockscreen, a photo of Mark and Donghyuck at a party, the two of them drunk off their asses, laughing at something someone had said with their arms thrown around each other. Donghyuck had looked happy then. So did Mark.

“Donghyuck, are you still studyi-” Renjun stopped as he got to Donghyuck’s door, eyes catching on Donghyuck wrapped in his blankets, hair messily strewn over his forehead, tears streaming down his face, fingers desperately wiping at his eyes, “Donghyuck.”

“Hyuckie, hey, what’s wrong? Donghyuck-ah, come here,” Renjun set down the bags of food he had brought - pork belly, Donghyuck’s favorite - and climbed in next to Donghyuck. “It’s okay, Hyuck-ah.”

Renjun hated seeing Donghyuck like this. Like he was a helpless kid lost in the world, with no one to guide him. He absolutely hated it. It broke his heart to see his strong friend, always getting whatever he put his mind to, looking so helpless and defeated.

“I miss M-mark,” Donghyuck sobbed, pulling up the bottom of his shirt to wipe his eyes and nose.

“And?" Renjun prompted gently, wanting Donghyuck to let go of all the feelings he had been bottling up for God knows how long.

“An-And I have so much work to do, and I’m so so tired all the time. And I f-feel so empty. And I’m so hungry, but I shouldn’t be eating so much oil, it’s b-bad for you,” Donghyuck was still crying, his head leaned back against the headboard of his bed, a light sheen of sweat building up on his forehead.

“Is that all?” Renjun asked, rubbing his friend’s back soothingly.

“I ha-hate working out. My shoulder still h-hurts and lifting weights hurts my back. I don’t wanna do it an-anymore. I never have time . . . to go to the dance studio anymore. I m-miss dancing,” Donghyuck sobbed, a fresh wave of tears overflowing his eyes.

Renjun pulled Donghyuck closer, wrapping his arms around the younger boy.

“And I wan-wanna sleep in. But I c-can’t. I have to change m-myself because I can’t do anything right,” Donghyuck rambled, his voice cracking every now and then. “I’m j-just a D-Donghyuck, and Mark can get whoever he wants. And there are much b-better people in the world than Donghyuck.”

“Hey, I love Lee Donghyuck. He’s my best friend. He may not be the most muscular guy, but he’s well defined and agile and graceful. Lee Donghyuck may not be unemotional, but that’s one of his best characteristics. He cries when he’s sad, and it makes you want to protect him. He’ll yell when he’s angry, and it’ll show you that he cares. He’ll take care of you and make you feel like the best person on the planet, because that’s just what Lee Donghyuck does. No one else can do it better. You’re a whole Lee Donghyuck, and I love him,” Renjun looked Donghyuck in the eyes, trying to show him just how much he meant to the other. “So don’t look down on Lee Donghyuck. Anyone would be lucky to have him.”

Donghyuck nodded, sniffling and wiping at his eyes. “T-thanks Renjun. I love you.”

“I love you too, Donghyuck,” Renjun assured the younger, grabbing a tissue from Donghyuck’s nightstand to wipe his face.

Donghyuck’s stomach rumbled, making both of them laugh. “Let’s eat,” Renjun grabbed the food, settling back down on the bed

~

Donghyuck counted off the beats and started moving, releasing all his pent up energy to the beat of the music. Dancing was the best way that Donghyuck could release stress, so that was exactly what he was doing. Jisung and Jeno were on either side of him as they danced, working to clean up the choreo.

“Mark said he might drop by to check on you,” Jeno said to Donghyuck over the loud music echoing through the practice room.

“What? Why would he do that?” Donghyuck wondered, pausing and falling off-beat. He moved a second late, crashing into Jisung and falling on the floor, landing on his wrist. “Shit, ow. That hurts.”

“Donghyuck hyung, are you okay?” Jisung stood up, brushing himself off and walking over to the older. Jeno quickly paused their music, letting their soft breathing fill the room.

Donghyuck just groaned and turned over, holding his wrist to his chest, letting the cold tile soothe the ache starting to build in his head. Of course he would hurt his wrist on the same arm that his shoulder was already hurt. He was just lucky that he didn’t write with his left hand.

Jeno helped Donghyuck up into a sitting position, Jisung disappearing to presumably get an ice pack. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have sprung that on you like that.”

“It’s fine, my mind was elsewhere anyway. Mark and I haven’t really been talking, so I wasn’t expecting to hear that he would come visit,” Donghyuck explained, looking at the floor.

“You guys should talk, really. Mark’s been missing you,” Jeno said, while gently moving Donghyuck’s wrist to see the damage done.

“He said that?” Donghyuck asked, wondering if Jeno was just saying that to make him feel better. Jeno didn’t know of his feelings, but then, he wouldn’t be surprised if he had figured them out. Jeno was a smart one.

Jeno nodded. “He’s your best friend, Donghyuck. Of course he’s gonna miss you if you just suddenly stop talking to him without telling him why.”

Donghyuck understood that, he did, but he was just so _ashamed_ of himself and he knew Mark deserved better, and he just didn’t want to talk to Mark. Even though he missed him so much it hurt.

“Donghyuck-ah! Are you okay?” Mark rushed into the practice room, followed by a sheepish Jisung holding an ice pack wrapped in a towel.

Donghyuck’s eyes widened as he saw Mark run over to him, kneeling down right in front of him. He watched Mark gently take his hand from Jeno, inspecting the joint, a furrow forming between his eyebrows as he focused.

“Fuck, Donghyuck. What were you doing? You should’ve been more careful,” he chided, taking the ice pack from Jisung and lightly pressing it against his hand. Donghyuck shivered as the cold ice pack came in contact with his wrist, closing his eyes as Mark pulled Donghyuck closer to him.

“What happened anyways?” Mark asked quietly. Donghyuck opened his eyes and looked at Mark’s face, soft and worried and full of concern and care. His eyes were so big and pretty, and staring right into his soul.

“I just fell. I was off beat and crashed into Jisung. I was distracted,” Donghyuck admitted, looking at the tiled floor.

“Seriously, Hyuck, you should be more careful. Your wrist’s a little swollen, I think you should go to the doctor just to get it double checked,” Mark said, standing up and pulling Donghyuck with him.

Donghyuck nodded. “Okay, hyung. Thanks for taking care of me.”

“Always, Hyuck.”

There he went again making Donghyuck’s heart do pleasant flips and jumping jacks. It was so obvious he cared for Donghyuck. And it was so obvious that he was too good for someone like Donghyuck.

~

When Donghyuck got home, a bandage adorning his wrist from the doctors, he found something waiting for him on the couch. Mark was asleep, soft snores escaping his slightly open mouth. He was curled up on himself, still dressed, hair messily ruffled over his forehead.

Donghyuck found a vase of daisies on the coffee table along with dinner. There was a little note stuck on the bag: Eat well, Hyuck-ah.

Donghyuck had no idea what to do with himself anymore. He grabbed a blanket from his room and gently placed it on top of Mark’s body, tucking him in and brushing the hair away from his forehead.

“Thanks, Mark hyung,” Donghyuck smelled the sweetness of daisies and picked up the bag of take out, slipping into his room quietly.

~

“Donghyuck, if you don’t talk to him tonight, I’m talking to him for you. You hurt your wrist at the mention of him! This is getting out of hand,” Renjun said, clearly getting sick of Donghyuck’s antics.

“Renjunnie. . . please don’t,” Donghyuck whispered, looking down at his injured wrist.

“I wouldn’t do that,” Renjun agreed, “But please talk to him. You don’t know how worried he’s been. He just wants you to talk to him.”

Donghyuck took a deep breath. Mark deserved an explanation. “Okay, I’ll do it tonight.”

Renjun looked surprised, his eyebrows lifting. “Okay. It’ll be alright, Donghyuck.”

“I hope so.”

~

When Mark asked Donghyuck to watch a movie with him, he agreed, knowing he needed a break if he didn’t want to have another mental breakdown with Mark home.

The movie had been going great, Mark had put on his favorite, Infinity War, and had gotten him his favorite ice cream, and they were lounging on the couch together.

Donghyuck wanted to cuddle with him, but he didn’t want Mark to feel his fat stomach when he had been working so hard to get rid of it. So he kept his hands to himself, feeling awkwardly cold by himself on the edge of the couch. Mark had been nothing but nice to him, even though he didn’t deserve any of this.

So when Mark threw an arm over Donghyuck, he stiffened, not wanting Mark to touch him but also missing Mark’s cuddles so damn much.

In the end, he let himself be pulled closer to Mark, leaning his head on Mark’s chest. He was comfortable. Mark was home, and Donghyuck had missed home so much.

He kept his eyes trained on the TV, though his mind was everywhere but the movie. His emotions were running high, and he felt like crying now more than he did before.

So when the movie got to the saddest part, the part with Spiderman, he couldn’t keep his tears in. Watching Infinity War got him sad, and once the tears started, they wouldn’t stop. Donghyuck pushed himself out of Mark’s embrace and strided into his room, closing the door and falling onto his bed.

Not even a minute later, Mark opened the door and settled into bed next to Donghyuck, pulling him close as the tears flowed.

Donghyuck turned away from Mark, burying his head into his pillow. “G-go away, hyung. Please. I can’t do this right now. I-I have class at 9. And-and two essays and a reading to do. P-Please go.”

“Hyuck, talk to me. I want to be there for you. Let me be your best friend,” Mark pleaded, gently pulling Donghyuck’s hands away from his face.

“Why do you care so much, h-hyung? Just . . . stop c-caring about me,” the younger boy’s voice broke on the last word, and he hunched in on himself. His shoulders were shaking with sobs and he was furiously wiping at his eyes.

“How can I stop caring about you, Donghyuck? You’re my best friend. I could never stop caring about you,” Mark said and Donghyuck’s sobs grew louder.

Mark pulled Donghyuck closer, wrapping his arms around the smaller boy. Donghyuck buried his face in Mark’s collar, finally letting his feelings out.

“You’ve been worrying me so much, Hyuck. Did you think I wouldn’t notice you trying to completely change yourself? You’re perfect the way you are. You don’t need to hide your feelings or have muscles to impress whoever you were trying to impress. And you’ve been so stressed. It’s not good for you to get so little rest, Hyuck-ah,” Mark scolded gently.

“Y-you noticed?” Donghyuck sniffled through his tears.

“Did I notice you working out twice a day for three hours? Yes. Did I notice you getting less than five hours of sleep everyday? Yes. Did I notice you stressing out about school and crying every few days? Of course I did. Donghyuck, I notice everything you do. I know you’ve been avoiding me and I don’t know what I did wrong, but I’m sorry. I just want us to go back to normal. And I want to know why you’re trying so hard to not be yourself,” Mark looked Donghyuck in the eyes, wiping his tears away and running a soothing hand through the younger’s hair.

Donghyuck broke down again as another wave of tears rushed to his eyes. Mark pulled Donghyuck close, resting his chin on top of Hyuck’s head, closing his eyes. He had missed his best friend so much. “How is it possible to miss someone when they were right next to you all along?”

“I-I’m sorry, Mark hyung. I d-didn’t want to make you worry,” Donghyuck mumbled against Mark’s collarbone.

“Tell me why you did it. Why were you trying to change yourself so much? Was it because of something someone said? Tell me who said it and I’ll take care of-”

“Hyung, no! It’s nothing like . . . that,” Hyuck pulled back to assure Mark. “I just, I wanted to try something new?”

“Bullshit. Tell me the real reason, Donghyuck,” Mark said, his eyes serious as he stared Donghyuck in the eye, urging the younger to come clean.

Donghyuck sighed, untangling himself from Mark and sitting back on his bed, staring at the beautiful, oblivious boy in front of him. He knew Mark had no idea about his feelings. He hid them far too well for anyone to be able to tell. But a small part of him still hoped that Mark had figured it out so he wouldn’t have to confess and be rejected.

Mark was looking at him with concern written all over his face. He knew it wasn’t healthy, what he had been doing for the past few weeks. But when he heard Mark say he wanted to date Jeno because he had a nice body, something snapped inside of him.

He knew he wasn’t the most fit, but he never had a problem with it. He was fine with his body. It was lean and strong from the dancing he did, and he felt it complimented him well. But Mark didn’t like guys. And if he did like guys, of course he would like someone muscular, strong, confident, manly. Not someone skinny, loud mouthed, and so not manly. Someone not so _Donghyuck_.

Donghyuck just wanted to feel good about himself for once.

He wanted Mark to like him for once.

So Donghyuck took a deep breath and clenched his shaking hands. He looked his best friend in the eyes, and confessed. “You.”

“What?” Mark asked, confusion clouding his eyes.

“You’re the reason I did all this,” Donghyuck looked down, missing the way Mark’s eyes widened in shock and hurt.

“Me? What- when did I ever say something like that?” Mark asked, guilt clear on his face. “Shit. I’m sorry, Donghyuck. I don’t want you to change.”

Donghyuck sniffled and wiped his eyes. “It was when we were playing truth or dare a few weeks ago. I don’t know if you remember, but I fell asleep for a little while. And I woke up right when it was your turn and you said you’d date Jeno because he has a nice body.”

Mark felt like his heart had stopped. He couldn’t believe that Donghyuck had heard that. And now he had gotten the wrong idea.

“No, no, no. Hyuck, no. I don’t like Jeno. He has two boyfriends. And I like someone else. You _know_ I like someone else,” Mark tried to explain, tripping over his words in an attempt to reassure his friend.

“I do know you like someone else. And I just need to say this, okay hyung? Just let me say this and then we can move on and put all this behind us. I was stupid for doing this, it clearly didn’t work. I look like even more of a baby now. But Mark hyung, I really like you. Sometime over the last couple of years, my feelings for you changed from friends to something more. And I know you’re straight, that’s why I haven’t said anything. But it’s time for me to move on. I just wanted you to like me. You said you’d date Jeno because he’s manly and he works out and I just wanted to see if you’d notice me if I worked out and was more manly, since I can’t be a girl,” Donghyuck rambled, tears still flowing down his cheeks, his face flushed and hands shaking.

“Donghyuck-ah. Hyuck. Come here,” Mark pulled Donghyuck back into a tight hug, closing his own eyes as he felt a rush of emotion fill him. He wasn’t the crying type, but he also had never seen Donghyuck so distraught over his feelings before.

His mind was reeling at the information he had just heard. Donghyuck liked . . . him? It seemed so far-fetched, Mark hadn’t had any clue.

“Donghyuck, you have feelings for me?” Mark asked quietly into Donghyuck’s hair.

“How could I not,” Donghyuck mumbled with a bitter chuckle.

“I like you too, Hyuck,” Mark whispered, feeling his heart rate rise as he threw his confession into the world, his voice soft but steady.

“Quit pitying me. Don’t play with my feelings like that,” Donghyuck pulled away, his eyes so full of hurt, and his voice so helpless it tore Mark apart.

“Donghyuck, I’m not straight. I’ve never been straight. And I really like you. I only realized it last month, but I know I’ve liked you for a really long time. The person that I always talk about liking is you, Hyuck,” Mark lifted a hand to Donghyuck’s cheek, gently caressing him. “And I don’t want you to change. I don’t want you to be more manly or anything. I don’t want you to work out more if you’re not doing it for yourself. I love your soft stomach and defined legs. You don’t need to work out more. You don’t need to hide your crying. You don’t need to change yourself for anyone but yourself. You’re so perfect already, Donghyuck.”

Donghyuck blushed, a small smile starting to form on his lips. “Really? So you’re saying that you don’t like my new abs? Or my muscular thighs?”

It always caught Mark off guard how Donghyuck could go from shy and unsure of himself to being back in his element in less than a minute. It was all part of Donghyuck’s charm, though.

“Shut up. You know you look good. Please just don’t worry so much about your body. I like your personality more anyways,” Mark said affectionately, gently pressing a kiss to Donghyuck’s forehead.

~

“I can’t believe you knew you liked me and never said anything,” Donghyuck complained later, when they were back on the couch watching a random drama. His head was in Mark’s lap and Mark’s arm was thrown over Donghyuck’s chest and the both of them looked so content, so domestic.

“You never gave me a hint! You didn’t even stare at me or blush when I complimented you or anything! You acted the same, what was I supposed to do?” Mark protested, running his free hand through Donghyuck’s soft brown hair.

“I always thought you were straight, you asshole. Why would I make a move on my straight roommate who hated me for a good part of our friendship?” Donghyuck whined.

“Fuck off, I never hated you. I just thought you were a little annoying. Who the hell makes fun of someone older than them during their first year of college? You drove me crazy,” Mark said.

“I’m better now though, right?” Donghyuck asked, looking up at Mark with wide eyes.

“Definitely not. You still drive me crazy. There’s just some love involved now, though,” Mark admitted, the tips of his ears turning a sweet pink.

“Fuck, you’re so cute,” Donghyuck cooed, kissing Mark’s hand.

Mark responded by leaning down and slotting his lips against Donghyuck’s, kissing him slow and deep. He was with his sun, where he belonged. 

While Donghyuck had been trying so hard to chase the sun, he had forgotten that he _was_ the sun, soft yet strong, spreading his light to everyone around him.

~

  


**Author's Note:**

> okay! hello, i hope you enjoyed reading! i just want to reiterate that donghyuck's train of thinking is not healthy at all. he was in a bad place emotionally. i tried to make it seem like most of his actions were influenced because of the fact that he was very stressed from school and that was the reason for his bad decisions. donghyuck was feeling hopeless because of school, and at the beginning, where mark shuts his notebook on hyuck, that pushes hyuck over the edge because he's just so unsure about his relationship with mark. he wants to make mark notice him as more than a friend, but clearly it's not healthy. renjun and mark reassure him that they love him the way he is, which influences him to stop trying to change. ok, now that we've got that out of the way i listened to dear dream and beautiful time the whole time i wrote this lmao. leave a comment if you like and follow me on twt @ cloudjungkook and ig @ cloudjournals. have a good day and stream we go up!


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